they aer so nerves that tippy toe
they said not for me to email them
they aer acting very nervous
like they aer hiding something
mabe they have a body down the elevator shafted ahhahahhah
Many people feel "differently" about relationships.� I can remember thinking and wanting so badly to be engaged.� It was all that I cared about...just having that ring to prove to everyone that I was more mature and that we were the perfect couple.� My family and friends hassled him..."when's the big day?" they would ask.� Or, I would get SO mad over the dumbest things and blame it on not having the ring.� He would ask, "what�do want�for your birthday?" and my response would�be something of a rude remark with regards to an engagement ring.� It was all about the stupid ring that I thought was so important.� I guess I just wanted to have the ring to have proof of his commitment.� It's easy say, Im committed to you, but harder to give proof of words.�
He is the most amazing person and the most dedicated person in my life and I was letting a "social symbol" get in the way of our relationship.� There is more to the story including the death of his parents within the same year and the fact that we have been together for nearly 7 years.� I was by his side through thick and thin and NEVER questioned leaving or letting a ring get in the way.� I have to say that I got the ring.� He proposed and it was the most beautiful thing, but it has taken me the experience of the entire 7 years to realize that my relationship with my fiance has never been better.� Is it the ring?� Could be, but realizing that I needed to accept myself (without a ring, without him) was the most life changing thought I've ever had.� Now that I am comfortable with myself, engaged or not...ring or not...our relationship has done a complete 180.�
We have always had a good relationship, but looking back now it could have been so much better.� Im thankful that we stuck together and got through some of the hardest times of both of our lives and also we got through some of those petty things that really dont matter at all.� You have to know who you are, before you can start to know who someone else is.� That is where I am at today.� I know me, I understand me, I love me...now that I have gotten "me" taken care of I gladly wear my ring as a symbol of our love and I can focus on our relationship.� Take the time to love him...look at him...really look into his eyes and he him for who he is, not for who you want him to be (or in my case, what you wanted from him).� Life is so much better when who people are in love.�
Here I am, at home working when all the decision makers in my mom's life are on Christmas Holiday.
On Thursday, Christmas Day, the doctor called the first time to tell me that mom was to be discharged on Friday or we, the family would start paying the hospital bill. According to him, I would be responsible for finding the right place for mom to go.
According to him, she does not need skilled care Medicare pay) , just Alz assisted living (which I later found out was private pay)
According to him, she does not need help with bathing, dressing, eating.
All Christmas day I phoned and emailed assisted living centers from Alz Assn.
Friday, I got phone call from Jill, social worker, who said mom was not being discharged Friday, she was submitting forms for temp guardianship, which would be effective Monday. She recommended snf to Dr. Grillo, who said "WE will try assisted first". She is submitting MIMR test and tried to get mom to sign so she could start admission. Mom refused.
It is 8:00 a.m. on the nose!� Of course, Tracee is still sleeping.� She is going to Washington, DC today with the church.� I along with Mikki and Mom set money aside so Tracee would have some spending money; they will be in D.C. untl the 30th (mom's B-day).� Everybody else isn't leaving until tomorrow, but Rennat, Dorothy, and Tracee are leaving out today (tickets were much cheaper if they flew out today).� So, their flight is at 2:16 p.m., which means I have to have her out to the airport at noon.� I will sit and wait with them while they wait for their flight, then I will make my rounds to everybody's houses.� Other than that, and the fact that it's our heavenly father's birthday, today is just another date on the calendar for me!� I stopped getting excited about this day over 20 something years ago.� But I do enjoy when families come together.� I will most like be stopping�over on Beecher St, Hartson Ave�and� two spots on Midland�Ave before I make it back home.� And before I close this I have to remember for next year that�X-mas Eve is Ramsi's b-day.� Moe should be delivering her baby girl any day now--she was looking mighty uncomfortable yesterday.� Well, I am going to go give dad a call, and then I dread the call to Mikki's house (Vernell will no doubt answer the phone....ugh!!)� Just kidding Vee!!!
Ok, the song Someone's Watchin' Over Me by Hilary Duff, holds a lot of meaning to me...because the lyrics:
Found myself today Oh I found myself and ran away Something pulled me back The voice of reason I forgot I had All I know is you're not here to say What you always used to say But it's written in the sky tonight So I won't give up No I won't break down Sooner than it seems life turns around And I will be strong Even if it all goes wrong When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe Someone's watching over me Seen that ray of light And it's shining on my destiny Shining all the time And I wont be afraid To follow everywhere it's taking me All I know is yesterday is gone And right now I belong To this moment to my dreams So I won't give up No I won't break down Sooner than it seems life turns around And I will be strong Even if it all goes wrong When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe Someone's watching over me It doesn't matter what people say And it doesn't matter how long it takes Believe in yourself and you'll fly high And it only matters how true you are Be true to yourself and follow your heart So I won't give up No I won't break down Sooner than it seems life turns around And I will be strong Even if it all goes wrong When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe That I won't give up No I won't break down Sooner than it seems life turns around And I will be strong Even when it all goes wrong When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe That someone's watching over Someone's watching over Someone's watching over me Someone's watching over me
During this holiday season, means so much, because most of us have lost a loved one...so knowing that someone is watching over us means a lot! However for me, this means so much more...because I've had to remind myself that someone is watching over me...when things are dark, sucking, and just aren't good. I remember that my late grandmother is always watching over me...protecting me, loving me, and guiding me.
So, I won't give up, I won't break down, sooner than it seems, life turns around. This has been an especially hard Christmas since its been 10 years since she has died, and 10 months since my cat, yes cat, died...And so, for my mom, i sent her an email on the day that marked the 10 years saying that she, my grandma, is the silver lining in every cloud of ours...So if you are in the dark, having a bad day, week, month, whatever...just know that someone is watching over you. So, don't give up, don't break down, because even when you think you have no one, you have someone watching over you.
We got into a nasty fight over the phone last night. It all started with personal questions and ended with me questioning why ? And whether I should make a speedy exodus. I� believe that us being going away together alone is� dangerous! I tried to� explain prior that one Iam a rape survivor and 2 dont want to be put in a put position that Iam not in control.�� I� refuse to put either of us in a� vulnerable situation. I was getting the impression he was like the rest�,pursuing sex so I asked him directly. Of course he was pissed, I went the passive agressive route. But I was seething with rage. I cried, hoping he didnt hear me but sure he did. He hurt me deeply,. damn!� We ended the conversation abruptly solving nothing at all. Didnt sleep good last night, hate going to sleep with unresolved issues. The phone rang, (early� this morning) answered�and it was him. We talked ,he apologized for being tacky and bruising me.� I dont like conflict, considered walking away without a backward glance. But I cant keep doing that, it is unhealthy to run from myself. Iam proud of myself for not going off and saying things I would regret later. He shocked me this morning when he said that he loves me, (not falling in love with me), he wants me and needs us in his life. We've agreed to disagree versus letting things�simmer.
Earlier yesterday� before shit hit the fan I communicated to him that I am appreciative to have encountered him even though it was in an unlikley place (church).unbeknownst to me he came to look for me,�after service�but I was long gone�.� He revealed that when he first laid eyes on me� that he too felt a connection. This is good because it lets me know that Iam not crazy. It wasnt love on sight yet something�we cant characterize.�Actually what he said was when he saw me he� thought � (to himself)he wanted to spend a lifetime, energies and resources with that woman.� Im so thankful he found me and didnt approach with the usual crap ministers beat me over the head with; god showed me your my wife.
I love him but love god more and will not� doing anything contrary, pleased with the stance�I took.there's nothing to regret.. Were clearly attracted to each other, he told me he fell asleep talking to me but holding his pillow wishing it was me. That is so touching! Have had many thoughts of laying in his arms with my head on his bare chest.
Iam missing him right now and no one else will satiate me. Not even GQ perfect Darien. He is having service� tonight, what a way to spend a holiday. As for me I will be with the kids. I so want things to work btwn us, but Iam afraid to even hope. For fear .... I spoke to my mother� concering him, why did I do that ?grave mistake on my part. Just when I reckon she can find no fault or anything negative to say she does. Never fails! It seems that she doesnt want me to be happy. For this reason I limit what I share with her. I resent her to this day for her attitude. Must move on from this, gotta pick myself up, forgive and just let go(d.) Chatting with him via text message simultaneously.� He said he wanted me to share his last name, is that a proposal sounds like.� Guess he is romantic, its the eve of christmas. Still chatting with him and listening to my daughter prophecy he is her step dad. She is climbing all over me on my shoulders doing a "silliy dance" Must stop typing too much going on between my baby and him� texting me I am distracted..
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Trace 61, Female, Connecticut, USA - 38 entries
